You are Infinitely More than You Think

“It is time to pay some attention to what is Sacred inside your own self. Everything else, comes and goes.”

— Mooji

For my 45th birthday, I gifted myself a pilgrimage to Andalusia Portugal, known as “the place where nothing happens,” for a silent retreat with a spiritual teacher whose teachings have been close to my heart. Known affectionately as Mooji Baba, he points to what he calls the true Self or pure Awareness in which we all unknowingly reside. This in contrast to the personal ego that most of us identify with and experience our lives through. Eight years ago I stumbled upon him on YouTube while researching another dear spiritual leader, Ramana Maharshi. From the first time I heard Mooji, I was captivated by his mixture of direct, no-nonsense teaching and surprising humor. Laughter and Truth have always been my saving graces.

At the start of the retreat, Mooji led us through a meditation asking us to leave behind everything that we think we are--our stories, our thoughts, our roles, our doubts, our judgments, our attachments, our aversions, our opinions--and to sit with what remained, Presence--the only thing impossible to leave behind. That Presence, he said, is You. Presence is Eternal. It is Divine. It is Love. And that, is You. The personality that you filter and create your life experience through is not only narrow, but is unreal. It is only real because you believe it and hold on to it.

 From the first pointing, I was stunned by the radical truth of what Mooji was saying. Everything inside me acknowledged its truth, but I felt a paralysis inside. The implications of this truth shook my universe to its core. How could this be true? For the next few days, I held steadfast to Mooji’s words. I went for long walks and asked, is this true? Is it true that I am Eternal? Is it true that there’s nothing to fear? Is it true that we are One? Is it true that all is Love? Is it true that Joy is everpresent? Is it true all those things the Holy Books speak of, the drunken mystics and their flights of poetry and dance, the eternal wisdom of the sages? Is it true true? And as my heart melted over the course of the days, all around me answered yes.

One warm afternoon, filled with profound peace and stillness, I looked into the vast blue sky. I watched the shape shifting clouds above me and and followed the occasional crane caressing the sky with its open wingspan like an inviting embrace. All around me, everything was alive. The leaves in the trees rustled yes and the birds called out yes and the wind whispered yes and the sun radiated yes and the silence said, Yes Yes Yes.

That night, walking down the dirt path back to my cabin, I stood mesmerized by the eternity of stars in the night sky. After staring for awhile into the endless darkness, I closed my eyes. Inside myself I also found an endless darkness of eternity. And suddenly, the truth flashed through me. The only thing interrupting eternity out there, and eternity in here is me. And with that my insistent questioning stopped and I heard my own heart say Yes. And everything fell quiet.

Love, Truth, and Laughter, 

Love Letter to My Body

“This is adapted from a post I wrote 3 years ago. I will be turning 45 this month and the more time passes, the deeper my love and acceptance for my self, my body, and my children. Happy Mother’s Day to Mothers everywhere <3 ”

One day, draped over me, Max playfully touched my breast, a fading instinct from three years of breastfeeding. He refers to my breasts as mama and me as mom. I pushed his hand away and gave him a stern look. He asked, “Mom, how old are your mamas?” “My mamas,” I replied with a certain nostalgia, “are 42 years old.” He continued, “Mom, “how old is your cheek?” as he brushed his hand against it. “My cheeks are 42 years old.” “Mom, how old are your feet?” “My feet are 42 years old.” “Mom,” now with a giggle, “how old is your butt?” “My butt, is 42 years old.” And on and on to other body parts.

When he left, I felt somehow reunited with my body in a way that I hadn’t before. Like a long devoted lover that I had taken for granted, I had forgotten what we had been through, these 42 years. How she’s always been there for me, serving me, protecting me, keeping me company, communicating to me, allowing me to enjoy life and create and make love and give birth and hug and run and dance and swim. About how she always responded to my true needs. How she made me rest and slow down with illness and how she always recovered and was there for me no matter what abuse I put her through.

To listen deeply to one’s body is like listening to anyone one loves, it is to put one’s own agenda aside. And that is not an easy task. Too often I was deafened by my agendas for what my body is supposed to look like and feel like. How she’s supposed to move through the world. What she’s supposed to withstand without complaining and how she’s supposed to perform. With so much agenda, it was difficult to hear what my body was actually feeling, actually communicating to me. When I didn’t listen to my body when she needed rest or nourishment, I ended up in pain and turmoil.

When it is time to lay down and die, my body will tell me to let go. And when that day comes, my wish is that I will continue to love, trust and be in gratitude for her. Even as she seems to be failing, I believe that she knows better than I what is best for me. My body has always told the truth. No matter how I try to hoodwink the world and myself, my body displays plain and simple truths.

I pray that I will listen quietly and surrender. And have the courage let go of the fine companion that has seen me through the trials of this life so that my spirit can finally soar with trust and gratitude. Thank you to the one so close to me I almost forgot her constant presence. And thank you to the silly wise little one who emerged from her to remind me of my mortality.

Love & Community, 

It's all about Pleasure

“You do not have to be good/ You do not have to walkover on your knees /For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting/ You only have to let the soft animal of your body / love what it loves…”

— “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver

Recently I’ve been talking to my patients about pleasure. The word pleasure triggers a delightful smile…but unfortunately one that fades into embarrassment and discomfort. Pleasure is a complicated topic. It evokes feelings of guilt and resistance and fear of gluttony and hedonism. My patients react with surprise when I suggest that pleasure is a kind of wisdom. The wisdom of the body. If pain is our body’s way of telling us to pay more attention, then pleasure is also an important communication. Pain urges us to interrupt business as usual, slow down, care for and be mindful of our bodies. Pleasure invites us to continue to engage and connect with the wonders of our bodies, to lovingly give our body what it is asking for.  

Pleasure is the enjoyment of the senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell. In Chinese Medicine, our senses are all related to our internal organs and our health. Frequently, when a Chinese herbal formula tastes good to you, it is because it is the medicine (which includes the flavors) that your body needs to regain health. We continue as a species because procreation is pleasurable and having a good sex drive is an indication of robust health. Pleasurable scents, color, and beautiful music are all known to affect our chemistry, stimulating healing.

Sadly, our innate ability to feel pleasure and to trust it as a guiding force is diminishing. As we modernize, we retreat more and more into our minds and inhabit less of our bodies and senses. Much of our day is experienced through a screen where the wisdom of our senses becomes irrelevant. The result is that we become increasingly disconnected from the innate wisdom and the sensual language of our bodies. If we consider ourselves healthy, we use our intellect to prescribe what we think are health promoting diet, exercise and regimens that we superimpose onto our daily living. Pleasure has nothing to do with these prescriptions.If we do not consider ourselves healthy, we feel unable to control our habits, we feel disorderly, undisciplined, out of control and in this scenario if there is any pleasure felt, it is accompanied by guilt. We may even think that our indulgence with pleasure is the problem. In either case, the central and indispensable role of pleasure in guiding us towards a healthier and fuller experience of life is considered off topic or even dangerous.

To experience pleasure fully, we must be willing to be present. We must be willing to embody the wild, irrational landscape of sensations and emotions. We must trust ourselves and find that we are worthy of enjoyment. Pleasure is good. It is aliveness. It is healthy. It is life affirming and self affirming. It is a spontaneous unspoken expression of appreciation, a taking in of our human experience. Pleasure in eating encourages food absorption, pleasure in movement activates endorphins, pleasure in touch releases oxytocin, pleasure in music and beauty soothes our nervous system and stimulates our creative impulses. Pleasure tells a story of who we are and where we come from. Particular tastes in food, beauty, partners, style, music, fragrances celebrates our individualism. When we allow for the full experience of pleasure we are practicing self-love. And health naturally flowers from that.
 
With Pleasure, 

Thuy